My Stand-up Routine :D

(Sometimes, when you are sitting all by yourself, in office, having stuff to do, but lacking the motivation to put in the efforts, your mind wanders. If after visiting all the frequented thoughts; girls, more girls, pizza, etc etc, you are still in a ponderous mood, one often thinks about the what-if scenarios. About the alternatives of this routine life. About alternate careers -- prime minister, porn star, sky diver, peace corp .. there's absolutely no limit. I often wonder how would it have been if I were to be a stand up comedian? I could insult people on their face!)

So, I'm from Bangalore and Bangalore is the home of Kannada film industry. It's more of a family business - Rajkumar & Sons own it.
The industry doesn't find many patrons in Bangalore, but for the auto rickshaw waalahs. They'd religiously put posters with heroes' faces & heroines' thighs at the back of their autos. Most of them already look like the heroes, or vice-versa.
Recently government proposed that smoking scenes should be banned in movies. A real wave of panic ran through the Kannada film industry! With this new rule, how would any one know who is the hero and who is the villian?
One of the heroines claimed that in her next film she gets to show lots of brains. After the movie came out, it was confirmed that her brains are in her knees, or somewhere up there.

Mumbai was hit recently by worst rains in last 100 years. The water has receded but now the insurance companies are flooded.
One of my friend recently joined a company there which promised him transportation for first one month. They've given him a kayak. He is now planning to rent a houseboat.

People nowadays, want something in their hands all the time.. umm.. as in they want something to work all the time, not something in their hands or anything! So I've my room-mate who does crosswords in the loo. Every morning he wake up, pick up the paper & pen at get into the loo. Somedays, when they publish hard crosswords, then we go to office without bathing. Sometime back they started publishing these sudoku puzzles instead of crosswords. So in the morning, he got into the loo and after a while came out very stressed - "Yaar! They haven't published the clues! Aati nahi." Thankfully, we had a book of crosswords.

College was good, you get to meet loadsa freaks. People from Andhra were called Gulti, I don't know why. Gultis have an attitude man, they'd behave as if they know everything there is to know. May be they do, who would know? They don't talk to anyone other than a Gulti. Even if in a group of 10 there are 2 Gults, they'll start in Telugu and everyone will go oinnnnn.
Gults are impatient lot, they eat fast, they talk fast & even when they talk, it's full of impatient grunts. They'll talk like - "Vastannu tch. Yentra tch. Ni amma tch.". They just can't stand slow talkers, That's why BJP failed to make any alliances in AP, they'd ask them to talk to Vajpayee! Those gults got really furious maan!
Half-gults aren't as bad as gults. We had one guy, as in there was one guy in college, not that we *had* him, whose father was Gulti & mother was Punjabi, so that should make him "Gulabi"! People say in next hundred years Indian population will be a lot more homogeneous. How interesting would that be! Mix people from Andhra & Bombay, you'll have "Bandra". If some Mallu and someone from UP got along, we'd have little "Ullus".

Punjabis are probably most harrassed people in India. First there were those Surdi jokes and now thanks to the Bollywood movies & music videos, people all over world think that atleast one in 5 punjabis carry around a dhol and rest of them are doing Bhangra all the time, in that stupid see-my-armpits pose they go balle-balle everytime they see another Surd. It's relatively safe to crack jokes on Surds, they don't get them anyway. ISI has a special division devoted to this task - to make Surd militants understand the racist jokes Bollywood cracks! It's not an easy task tho'. It took 2 weeks to make them understand the insults in "Jo Bole So Nihaal" and only after that they bombed the cinema halls!

Abhi itna hi.